Dear [Place rejectee's name here_____],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
become available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been
at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
bythetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given
the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention
___ Three words: Size does matter.