Snow Shoveling Diary ( Funny)

December 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway,
so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our

December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind
took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought
a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't
in Alaska after all.

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife
and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right.
More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have
to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think
he's lying.

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the
time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.

December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that
a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well

December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
@#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling
makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with
my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th Warmed up to above -
50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?????

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