Humorous Letter To Creditors


[American Citizen]
[Citizen Address]
[City], [ST]. [ZIP]
Letter to my Creditors
Dear Sir or Madam,
I understand you want me to pay my account in full, but the present condition of my
bank balance makes that impossible. My shattered financial status is due to federal laws,
state laws, international laws, county laws, corporate laws, liquor laws, drug-laws, common
laws, mother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, bylaws, in-laws, outlaws and law-yers. Through these
multitudes of laws and law-yers, I am compelled to pay business tax, personal tax,
amusement tax, school tax, poll tax, gas tax, water tax, sales tax, income tax, electric tax,
property tax, corporate tax, employment tax, excise tax, car tax, back tax, a taxi tax, and now
I understand they want to tax my tacks.
My will is taxed, my body is taxed, my labor is taxed, my property is taxed, my car is
taxed (it wrecked), my boat is taxed (it sank), my accounts are taxed, my money is taxed, my
assets are taxed, my ass is taxed by the new sewage tax, and my brains are taxed most of all !
I am required to carry fourteen different forms of insurance, all of which promise to make me
rich at age 65 - if only I can live that long. Can you wait until then ? If you can't wait that
long: I don't have a business plan, medical plan, dental plan, Christmas plan, retirement plan,
house plan, game plan, future plan, or prayer for a plan in planning for the time when I plan
to collect all the insurance money building up at umpteen percent. (The government man told
me about the plan.) Then I can pay off your account with the money left over from the tax
plan I am hatching, along with the endangered species vulture eggs (I am planning). I think
one of your repo men left the eggs instead of a business card to remember him by. Of
course, that is after I plan to pay the planning tax.
My business is so governed that I am no longer sure who owns it. I am inspected,
suspected, disrespected, dissected, infected, dejected, rejected, unelected and indicted. I am
Noticed, examined, re-examined, Summoned, fined, penalized, and sonfined until I provide a
constant source of revenue for everyone but myself and my legitimate creditors. I wanted
you to have a bellyful of my bellyaching before I go belly-up ! Which, I might add, would
already have occurred except for the wolf. Fortunately you see, the wolf that comes to my
door daily to be fed, had pups in the kitchen, so I sold them and here's a good faith five
percent payment of what I owe you. I'm afraid you won't be so lucky next month unless the
market improves for vulture eggs, because I don't have the stomach for them anymore either.
Yours forever,
[American Citizen]

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